my life is fail. i am having a FUCK MY LIFE moment. or day. or week, really. i really don't know what's going on in my head or his head (yeah, i'm obsessing over the 5foot5 cat-lovin' absurdest bassist, go fig.) i DO know that he cancelled on me on monday and has not returned my emails. i'm probably coming on too strong so i'm BEYOND backing off. i will not initiate or even respond to anything. (or at least i'll TRY not to.) it sucks cos he's a really cool dude who i'd like to be friends with even if (when) the physical/sexual shit cancelled itself out. he is hilarious. his band is hilarious. and he's fucken fun as shit to drink with.
which brings me to this: i basically drank myself into a whiskey blackout last night. and it felt good. i'm pretty okay with being a FUNCTIONAL alcoholic. cos functional is the KEY word. and i am functioning well. i'm at work. went to therapy this morning. i've been able to wake up & get up & get moving. every morning. on monday i had a four loko night. and that felt awesome. i have a plan to drink as much as possible while maintaining functionality. pretty sure i can do it.
i just wish i hadn't of fucked atop my glasses last week. i am without specs and i'm having a helluva time seeing & getting headachy besides...
life just feels like the ultimate let-down. i get my hopes up a little & they crash down a lot. anytime i am excited or hopeful about something it blows the fuck up in my goddamn face. i guess this happens to a lot of people. i am trying to be resilient to the notion of constant rejection.
it ain't easy.
i just keep on keepin' on & hoping for the best. i'm just really lonely. not just for a relationship. or sex, even. i'm just lonely for friends. i have a wonderful, albeit small, group. and i'm too much of a misanthrope to truly be a social butterfly but i'd still like a group of peops to do dumb shit with. get shitfaced & go for walks. get drunk & silly in bars. peops to be in bands with & write zines with & go to shows with... etc etc etc. i'm striking out on okstupid for that shit.
i'm striking out EVERYWHERE. & it's just so frustrating. when isaac & i were together i let go of a lot of fun aquantences. this is partially cos i quit drinking & thought i could no longer hang out with former drunkypals. now i want my drinkin' buddies back. bike ridin' buddies back. i just want friends. and, yeah, lovers. but mainly friends.
i feel like i'm asking for too fucken much. and that just plain sucks...
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